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Why Most People Are Terrible at Calling Out Uncomfortable Behaviour (And How to Actually Do It Right)
Three months ago, I watched a senior manager make what can only be described as wildly inappropriate comments about a colleague's appearance during a team meeting. Not one person said anything. Including me.
We all just sat there, shifting in our chairs like teenagers who'd accidentally walked into the wrong classroom. And that moment – that collective cowardice – it's been eating at me ever since. Because here's the thing: after nearly two decades in corporate training and business consulting, I've realised that most of us are absolutely useless when it comes to dealing with difficult behaviours in real-time.
The uncomfortable truth? We're all walking around pretending we know how to handle these situations, but when push comes to shove, we freeze like rabbits in headlights.
The Real Problem Isn't What You Think
Let me be controversial for a moment: the issue isn't that people don't recognise uncomfortable behaviour. We're actually quite good at that. The problem is that we've been trained to believe that "keeping the peace" is more important than addressing genuine discomfort.
I call it the Great Australian Politeness Trap.
We've become so obsessed with being "nice" that we've forgotten how to be genuinely respectful. There's a massive difference, and it's costing us our psychological safety at work. When someone makes you uncomfortable through their words or actions, your gut reaction is usually spot-on. Trust it.
But here's where it gets interesting – and this might ruffle some feathers – I reckon about 73% of workplace discomfort stems from people who genuinely don't realise they're being inappropriate. They're not malicious; they're just clueless. The remaining 27% know exactly what they're doing and are testing boundaries.
Why Traditional HR Training Fails Spectacularly
Most workplace training around uncomfortable behaviour is about as useful as a chocolate teapot.
You know the drill: "Report to HR," "Document everything," "Follow the proper channels." Absolute rubbish, the lot of it. By the time you've jumped through all those hoops, the moment has passed, the behaviour has been normalised, and everyone's moved on.
I learned this the hard way when I was managing a team in Melbourne back in 2019. One of my direct reports was consistently making comments that made others visibly uncomfortable – nothing overtly offensive, just persistent boundary-pushing that left people feeling uneasy. I followed the "proper process" to the letter.
Six weeks later, after countless meetings and forms, the behaviour hadn't changed one bit. Meanwhile, two good people had requested transfers. That's when I realised the traditional approach is fundamentally broken.
The real solution isn't administrative – it's interpersonal. You need to address the behaviour in the moment, or as close to it as possible.
The 48-Hour Rule That Actually Works
Here's what I wish someone had taught me fifteen years ago: if behaviour makes you uncomfortable, you have exactly 48 hours to address it directly with the person. After that, the moment loses its power and becomes significantly harder to resolve.
Not 48 business hours. Not "when it's convenient." Forty-eight actual hours.
Why this timeframe? Because it's fresh in everyone's memory, emotions haven't had time to calcify into resentment, and the person who exhibited the behaviour can still connect their actions to the impact. Plus, it forces you to act while your conviction is strong rather than talking yourself out of it over time.
I've been using this approach with clients for the past five years, and the success rate is remarkable. Not perfect – nothing ever is – but significantly better than the traditional "escalate everything" model.
The Three-Step Reality Check
Before you say anything, though, run through this quick gut check:
Step 1: The Mirror Test Ask yourself honestly: "Is this about their behaviour, or is this about my own triggers?" Sometimes our discomfort says more about us than them. I remember getting worked up about a colleague who constantly interrupted in meetings, only to realise I was projecting my own insecurity about not being heard.
Step 2: The Impact Assessment Is this behaviour affecting others, or just you? If it's just you, the conversation is different. If it's affecting team dynamics, you have a stronger case for addressing it.
Step 3: The Outcome Check What do you actually want to achieve? If your goal is to punish or embarrass, stop right there. If your goal is to improve the situation for everyone, proceed.
This isn't rocket science, but you'd be amazed how many people skip straight to the confrontation without doing this basic groundwork.
How to Actually Have the Conversation
When you do decide to speak up, forget everything you've learned about "feedback sandwiches" and corporate-speak. People can smell insincerity from a mile away, and it undermines your entire message.
Instead, try radical directness with empathy. It sounds like this:
"Hey Sarah, can I have a quick word? In yesterday's meeting, when you commented on James's shirt, I noticed he looked really uncomfortable. I don't think you meant anything by it, but it seemed to affect him. Just wanted to mention it."
Simple. Direct. Non-accusatory.
Notice what's missing? No lengthy preamble, no corporate jargon, no aggressive questioning. Just observation and impact.
The key is to focus on the observable behaviour and its effect, not on their intentions or character. Most people will appreciate the heads-up more than you expect. The ones who get defensive? Well, that tells you something important about their character.
When Direct Doesn't Work
Of course, not everyone responds well to direct feedback. Some people double down, make excuses, or worse – escalate their inappropriate behaviour.
This is where you need to get tactical about workplace harassment and know your options.
If someone continues making you uncomfortable after you've addressed it directly, you're dealing with either a clueless person who needs stronger intervention, or someone who's deliberately testing boundaries. Either way, it's no longer your responsibility to manage their behaviour through gentle conversation.
Time to document and escalate. But at least now you can say you tried the direct approach first.
The Bystander Breakthrough
Here's something that really grinds my gears: the number of decent people who witness uncomfortable behaviour and do nothing because they think it's "not their place" to intervene.
Absolute nonsense.
If you witness behaviour that makes someone else uncomfortable, you have options. You don't need to be the workplace police, but you can:
- Redirect the conversation: "Actually, let's get back to the quarterly figures"
- Support the affected person afterward: "Are you okay? That seemed awkward"
- Speak up in the moment: "That comment doesn't sit right with me"
The worst thing you can do is pretend it didn't happen. Silence enables continuation.
I've seen entire team cultures transform when just one person starts consistently calling out uncomfortable behaviour in a professional way. It creates permission for others to speak up too.
What About Power Dynamics?
The tricky bit comes when the uncomfortable behaviour is coming from someone with more organisational power than you. Your direct manager, a senior leader, or a key client.
This is where the 48-hour rule still applies, but your approach needs to be more strategic. You might need to have the conversation differently:
"I wanted to check something with you. In today's meeting, when you mentioned [specific behaviour], I wasn't sure how to interpret that. Could you help me understand what you meant?"
It's still direct, but it gives them an opportunity to clarify or walk back the comment without losing face. If they double down on inappropriate behaviour, well, now you have clarity about their character and can make informed decisions about how to proceed.
Sometimes the uncomfortable truth is that certain people in certain positions will face minimal consequences for poor behaviour. That's not fair, but it's reality. Your job isn't to single-handedly fix workplace culture – it's to protect your own well-being and speak up when you reasonably can.
The Long Game
Building comfort with addressing uncomfortable behaviour is like building any other skill – it takes practice and reflection.
Start small. Practice with low-stakes situations first. If someone cuts in line at the coffee shop, try a polite "I think I was next." If a colleague consistently talks over others in meetings, try "Let's hear what Alex was saying first."
These small moments build your confidence muscle for the bigger conversations.
And here's something I've learned the hard way: you'll get it wrong sometimes. I once completely misread a situation and apologised to someone for behaviour that turned out to be perfectly reasonable. It was embarrassing, but it didn't kill me. In fact, the person appreciated that I cared enough to check in.
The Bottom Line
Most uncomfortable workplace behaviour exists because we've collectively decided it's easier to tolerate it than to address it. But every time we stay silent, we're voting for the status quo.
You don't need to be the workplace hero who tackles every injustice. You just need to be willing to speak up when something directly affects you or someone you can help.
Because here's what I've learned after years of consulting and too many awkward meetings to count: the discomfort of addressing inappropriate behaviour in the moment is always less than the long-term discomfort of letting it continue.
Trust your gut. Use your voice. And remember – most people are just waiting for someone else to say what they're thinking.
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